It is from Spain - says the label, anyway. For me, it is from New Seasons. It was like ten dollars at the checkout. The person in front of me was very worried about their onions so put each one of them individually on the conveyor belt thing. With other items cradling them gently in their midst. It took a long time and sometimes White Liberal Fucks are just WLFs. The person in front of me - who was buying like five individual onions - had to talk to both the checkout woman and the man putting things in the bags. To be careful with the onions, you see - and maybe the onions could all go in the same bag? Oh - yes, here is my smaller onion bag. I forgot to put it on the conveyor belt. Could we put the onions in there? Thanks.
So I hit their car in the parking lot, is the upshot. Oh wait - I mean, I had some extra time so I saw this bottle and ten bucks is the Right Price For Crap Wine!
A Magnificent Iberian Experience
Yeah so this is crap. That story was accurate though. Mostly.
I mean, okay, I studied a little Spanish in High School so I know that Casa Solar means Sun House. As do quite a few other people who smugly shop at New Seasons I suspect. I mean, okay, TWS shops there too but that's because they have the best croutons and those bags of kale and carrots that we like.
Yes, I heard that too as I was writing it. I know. S is for Snob, you know. Sometimes Irony comes back around to be just The Suck.
But I saw 'Sun House The International Thing' and I thought of a house in the sun and then - hear me out - it wasn't too many steps before I was thinking about a house full of nude sunbathing ladies. Perhaps it is in the South of Spain - right near Portugal - where the Swedish Bikini Team summers to lay down their base coats? And as everyone knows when competing at the international level tan lines are considered to be some real amateur moves. Like New Jersey kind of moves - it will win some local votes but, c'mon. You're in the Big Leagues now, ladies.
Or dudes, I suppose. Don't want to be all gendered. Non-Binaries? I'm not that familiar with professional bikini competitions, to tell the truth, and if my browsing history says anything different then Google is a Damn Liar.
But. Naked Ladies are pretty and good to look at. This wine, however, is not good to drink. It tastes bad. Like - it doesn't taste like bandaids or rot or anything, just like... well, after another sip yes it does taste a little like bandaids. I think 'latex' is the formal flavor here. It is generally not considered a good flavor for wine, is my understanding.
Okay. It tastes like someone described 'wine' with things like 'oaky tannins' and 'Acrid but a little sweet' and 'rotten juice' and then that got recorded and played back a little too fast and with some static, and then Jose Winemaker got involved and had a Real Good Time playing around with some grapes.
It's unpleasant. I am way too old for this shit. I just want to tell you all, gentle imaginary readers, that I keep sipping this stuff in order to write clearly and lucidly about something I dislike. That is my life now. I am continuing to drink an unpleasant substance that both makes it harder to type without misspellings, and - well, it's not good.
Okay. Here we go. I love you and tell my family that if I don't make it through.
Take some grape juice. Welches or something - not horrible middle-school-lunch-box shit but... clearly grape juice but a little too sweet.
Get like a cup of that.
Now put in two shots of bourbon but not good bourbon (think of something oaky, but only a little oaky and not peaty or smoky) and three shots of meh vodka. Okay wow you freak - that's WAY too strong. So now add a cup of prune juice. And drop in a band-aid; fresh or right off your finger - either is fine.
Let that sit on your counter for a week or so. Or your window-box if it is not too sunny there. Then next weekend the kids are just RIDING your tits about getting new shoes or something and your spouse wants to go to dinner on date night but it's YOUR turn to choose and fuck - you just want to write your dumb little blog that no one reads about wine! Is that too much to ask? Maybe you need to have a drink to settle your nerves. And that monstrosity that you left in the kitchen window-box is a Thing that can be Drunk.
Well that monstrosity is much worse than this wine, but you can see its house from there.
Anyway. I give this one a three on the regular kind of scale because it is not currently stabbing me and - since it is from Europe - I, as a good New Seasons Shopper, feel obligated to give it more than just the minimum.
But really - it ain't good.
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